It's Monday.

IT’S MONDAY.


1. I woke up this morning thinking it was SATURDAY. I couldn't figure out WHY my alarm was going off.



2. I left late because I was making my lunch for today because I got home too late last night because I spent all afternoon at my parents’ house.



*I called my parents this morning on my way to work. I casually mentioned that I was late. The following conversation ensued:

Dad: How are you this morning? (I can tell he is probably on Facebook because this is the second time he’s asked me that in the past two minutes.)

Me: I’m running late this morning.

Dad: What? You’re running late?

Mom (in the background): WHAT?! She’s running late?! WHY??? WHAT’S WRONG???

Dad: You’re running late?! WHY??? WHAT’S WRONG???

Me: Nothing. I’m just late.

Dad (to Mom): Nothing is wrong! She’s just late! It’s okay!

Mom (in the background): Did she oversleep?

Dad: Did you oversleep?

Me: No. I’m just late.

Dad (to Mom): No, she didn’t oversleep.

Mom (in the background): Did she hit traffic?

Dad: Did you hit traffic?

Me: No, Dad. I’m just late. There isn’t much traffic this morning.

Dad (to Mom): No, she didn’t hit any traffic! She says there isn’t any one on the road this morning! Where IS everyone? Why aren’t they going to work? My TAXES are paying for them ALL to collect welfare checks so they can just sit around and do nothing! I’D like to sit around and do nothing and get paid for it!

Mom (in the background): Ask her if Sadie pooped in the house. Is that why she’s late?

Dad: Did Sadie poop in the house?

Me (OHMYWORD.): “No, Dad. Sadie NEVER poops in the house. She’s house broken, remember? I’m just late. It’s OKAY.

Dad (to Mom): Nothing is wrong! She’s just late! It’s okay!

Mom (in the background): Did Sadie poop in the house?

Dad (to Mom): No, she didn’t! Apparently, she’s housebroken.

Mom (in the background): Okay, well, I was just WORRIED that something HAPPENED.

Dad (to Mom): I was too!

Dad: We’re so glad you’re okay! We love you!

Me: I love you guys too, Dad!

I love my parents. They are crazy.



ANYWAY.



3. I AM STARVING because I didn't eat breakfast.




4. I HAVE BREAKFAST. I MADE BREAKFAST. I just can't eat it because I am at work and I don't have a fork. My scrambled eggs and salsa are mocking me.




5. MY WATER BOTTLE BROKE. AGAIN. You might as well have cut off a freakin appendage. WHY does this ALWAYS happen to me? I just don’t understand!



I will die of dehydration today.



6. My roommate loaned me her water bottle. As I went to fill it up this morning, I noticed some black gunk in the bottom of it. Ohmyword. There is MOLD in it. GROSS.




I really will die of dehydration today.



7. Nevermind. That's it. It’s Monday. I would like to go back to bed now, please.